Day 3 – Wow
April 24, 2007 by Brian Finch
Filed under Ramblings, Recovery
That’s all I can say for the comments of support. Thank you! I have to say I did have a moment of really wondering if I was doing more harm than good by sharing this. But as one person said, I have to break through the wall of secrecy and shame.
Yesterday I did exactly the opposite of what my addict voice was telling me to do. Well along I have. I have completely rationalized why I was not going to tell anyone and just sweep it under the carpet. No one had to know, right?
I called two women in the program, both former IV drug users who understand the experience. Not something I wanted to do, but I had to fight to urge to keep this secret. Then I had to see my doctor. He is so kind, non-judgmental, and is amazing at putting things into perspective. He did say one thing that both made us laugh (and I’d only find this funny coming from him) was:
Wow, thats pretty skanky, I’ve not even done that! says my doc who’s pretty much done most drugs around.
After calling my therapist, I then went to an OHTN meeting on how to review community-based research protocols. Needless to say, I wasn’t entirely present for it. From there I walked a good half an hour home and just thought. I felt so depressed. I thought to myself, “God, just make this compulsion go away, I don’t want to want to use.”
This slip made me realize how much bigger and powerful injecting made drug use. I never fantasized about smoking cigarettes or a pipe after quiting pot. I never wanted to snort something after stopping doing coke or crystal that way. Yet the entire ritual of getting everything together, preparing the drug, cooking it in the spoon, getting the syringe ready, tying off, and then finally injecting was all equally about the high as the drug itself. And in many ways, the drug was almost irrelevant. As one person said to me, “A friend asked me once, ‘If I just inject water, does that count as a relapse?’”
That’s how powerful it becomes. I just didn’t realize how close I could let my thoughts and obsession get to the flame before I got entirely sucked in. Once the decision is made, just like with anything else impulsive I do, the consequences almost seem irrelevant.
I came to one insight while writing an email to a friend yesterday. It was around my need to sabotage. I don’t do it necessarily with drugs, but when life is going well, I’ll get a new job, or move to a new apartment; anything just to turn my life upside down. Things are going well, do you see a pattern here?
Anyway, this was my insight du jour
Why can’t I seem to care about myself the way I care about others? It pains me to watch friends hurt themselves, yet I do it to myself. A friend recently died from alcoholism. There is definitely a part of me that just wants to end it all, its not a strong voice, but it’s there running in the background. After twenty years of struggling [with HIV], maybe thats the only place I know how to be in. Things are going well, maybe that’s an uncomfortable way to be for me, and I take myself back to what I know. Hmmmm I think I may have just gained an insight while writing.
I just stumbled upon your blog and it is amazing. To put everything out there is wonderful and I know it has to help others.
“So the purpose of this group is to look at triggers. For me the group is, all that drug talk gets me in a frame of mind where I want to go out and do it. I said that last night.”
Seems like whatever you were using to stop those triggers wasn’t working. Let’s try pumping up the thought stoppers and perhaps start a gratitude inventory as a pre-emptive strike. At least, that’s whats worked for me.
I love you, man.
I have absolutely no experience with your situation, so I’m not sure if this will work for you or not. Know that I offer it in the spirit of trying to help. When I was in therapy to work through why I always beat myself up emotionally, we worked on figuring out the chain of events that ultimately led to the destructive thoughts/behavior. It is much easier to stop things earlier in the chain. Keep working your way back as to why things developed so when you start down that path, you can put yourself in a position where you have to get off that thought track. It could be going out for a cup of coffee, going for a walk, or going to a movie. Whatever you find works for you. Hope this helps!
I think those are both great ideas. The craving journal will help deconstruct some of the stuff to try to work backwords, as I can’t remember the exact moment things started to work up.
The group night, combined with using the syringe was a pretty good trigger. The gratitude list is something I’ll definitely have to do.
Its great to hear about what has worked for others! Thanks.
I contend that you or your friend may think about doing it, but would actually not find yourself injecting water. The ritual is so “erotic” (really) because you attach it with the high, and “relief.” If I’m wrong, go ahead and inject water! (I didn’t think so)
I do think you need to look at the necessity of any precription that can be used as a mood alterer. I really don’t think valium is a good idea for an addict–even if it means you have to deal with some sleeplessness or anxiety. I have found one neurontin (gabapentin) before bed gives me a very very mild sedative effect and cool dreams to boot.
just a note to offer support- and maybe hope. i have found that working with others is the key to my peace of mind and my self perception. i have realized in the process of helping others, that the amount of knowledge about survival, surfing emotional waves, and dealing with tough situations has a lot of value when i am dealing with others. and experience opens doors that are not available to others. i didn’t think i had survived with much in tact- after all i was homeless and hopeless and ready to toss in the towel. but all of those points of reference have immense weight when opening my heart to someone who’s in pain.
This probably was never my first choice, but i really can’t complain. i like being needed. it warms my heart.
keep up the honesty. it’s vital.
Rod
Thanks Rod, all all I always find peoples show of support very helpful.
Now lets be clear here. This is the second time in the last week, my words have been taken and twisted around. I never every suggested that I was about to inject water. That mention was to demonstrate a point.